I've fought it for a long time, but I'm slowly starting to accept the fact that my real life is a touch on the ridiculous side.
I was in Costco the other day when my friend spotted me and gave me the "dazed and confused" look. What are you doing in here, I thought you moved, she commented. I did move and then 113 days later I moved again and then I started droning on in great detail about the events of the last 113 days. It seems I can't go anywhere without having to recount this story over and over again, so I thought why not share my journal I kept during that time with all of you and put this baby to bed once and for all.
March 17, 2012
We moved into our new house today and I couldn’t be more excited. I know it’s a tad smaller than we are used to. Sure we will all have to make some adjustments, but it’s going to be so great living here.
March 22, 2012
This house sure is quaint (maybe that isn’t the right word I’m looking for). My neighbor is a great cook and he brought us hamburgers on the day we moved in. I think I’m going to like living here.
March 25, 2012
Sorry I haven’t written in a couple of days, I’ve been so busy unpacking and not sleeping because the bedroom is a stuffy inferno that I just haven’t had the energy. Maybe I will just go in the kitchen and make myself a snack. Scratch that, it is at least 120 degrees in the garage and that is where most of my kitchen supplies are located because there isn’t enough room in the kitchen. Maybe I’ll just hit a drive-thru instead.
March 30, 2012
I finally found a grocery store I wouldn’t mind shopping at and it’s only 60 minutes out of the way. At least they had decent produce; I was probably way too spoiled where I used to live with a farm stand around every corner. I may even make dinner tonight and get a photo of it. Oh crap, I forgot the table is still covered with items that have no home since I’m out of space. Maybe I’ll refresh myself with a shower and things will be better tomorrow.
April 10, 2012
I still like it here and I don’t want to seem like an unappreciative jerk, but I’m starting to smell really bad because the hot water has been out for four days now and between that and the stifling hot bed room, I think I’m starting to attract flies. Maybe I’ll try and work in my office for a while and catch up on some work. Damn it to hell… I forget I can’t get to my office because it’s wedged too close to my bed. You know what, I’m just gonna go have a glass of wine and call it a day.
April 15, 2012
Good news, the hot water is back on. We are desperately in need of a little fun around here. I’ll have a party for my sister-in-law’s birthday and fix a nice dinner. Will write soon, I have lots of planning to do.
April 18, 2012
We had our first party here today in the new house. My daughter came home from college and requested tamales, well tamales she shall have. Tamales really aren’t too much work, unless you consider the six hours it takes to roll them. Anything for my daughter, she is so grateful to be home and eat my cooking. I was thinking we would need a little dessert with our tamales, so I whipped up a batch of cupcakes to throw in the oven. There was one small miscalculation with my plan - the oven shorted out from the excess steam the tamales were creating.
Oh *@#$, "Why did I move here again?"
I’m just glad to have my daughter home.
April 22, 2012
I don’t want to sound like a whiner, but perhaps I slightly under estimated how much time 4 people spend in the bathroom and that having only 1 bathroom might be not be such a good idea. Really I shouldn’t complain, besides the kitchen sick is a bit bigger than the bathroom one anyways, so brushing my teeth there shouldn’t be such an incontinence (spell check told me this was the correct word, and I thought it was kind of ironic so I let it stand).
April 26, 2012
My daughter has been complaining non-stop since she got here about the bathroom situation. Well excuse me Miss Fancy Pants. Maybe when you start paying the rent in your own place, you can have your own bathroom suite. Can you believe the nerve of that kid? I mean you didn’t hear me pissing and moaning when I thought I was going to have to pee in one of my flower pots because I couldn’t get in the bathroom the other evening. I wonder when school starts for my daughter anyways.
April 28, 2012
My daughter told me she is going to spend the week at her friend’s house. I’m kind of pissed at her. Would it have killed her to have offered to take her mother? Maybe she has forgotten who gave birth to her and got disfiguring stretch marks in the process. I really should try and find the bright side of things, at least there is one less person around here to fight the bathroom for.
April 30, 2012
I think we have a situation here!!! Someone is sneaking into the bathroom at night when everyone else is in bed and committing horrific crimes in there. Maybe I’m over reacting here, it’s probably just a sewer problem and I’ll have it looked at.
April 31, 2012
The plumber was here today and said everything was “all clear”. I’ll just have to give it more time and see how it goes. I should just really stop complaining about living here because it really is easier being able to yell at everyone in the house from anywhere in the house.
May 2, 2012
Things seem to be looking up around here. I’ve cleared a path through the hallway and at least the house party next door got broken up by 2 a.m. It could have lasted all night by the sound of things if the police hadn’t been called (by some unknown person who would have called earlier had she known just how slow the response time was gonna be).
I’m a little peeved though because after picking up 9 empty alcohol bottles on the lawn, I thought to myself couldn’t they have at least left a full one on the porch as a courtesy. Obviously these kids’ parents aren’t teaching them any manners.
May 28, 2012
Sorry Diary, but I had to go straight to the top with this one. Remember when I said I didn’t actually see the culprit who was bombing out the bathroom and rendering it unusable, well the bandit struck again. It might seem like I’m picking on Hot Dog Dude here, but he does act suspiciously. Today he left for work in camouflage pants. Despite me commenting, “Are you trying to hide from your workers?” Why doesn’t he think my humor is funny anyways? I was laughing my ass off.
Oh My God…here I am carrying on about nonsense when you are so busy with all the things going on in the world right now. I mean with it being an election year and all and the economy in the toilet, wait a second, if no one has jobs where do the politicians get all that money they use to deluge us with ads. I’m sorry here I go wasting your valuable time again. I’ll just figure something out for myself.
I know I said I wouldn’t bother you with such frivolity, but “ Please Lord get me the hell out of this house before I have a nervous breakdown, lose the function of my sinuses or run away. “ Feel free to disregard the million other things I’ve asked you for in my lifetime.
June 23, 2012
Sorry but I just couldn’t wait any longer and had to take matters into my own hands. I’ve found another place to live and scheduled the movers, besides I think it will be cheaper in the long run than years of psychotherapy. Technically since you didn’t come through for me on this one could you still keep those other things in mind that I’ve asked you for.
And that is why I love you.ReplyDelete
Oh, my gosh, Gina. I read every word and I'm still smiling as I type. I love how you summed it all up here but more importantly, I'm glad you are where you want to be. Loved this! :)ReplyDelete
I was laughing so hard, I almost fell of of my chair. You are just too funny. You have many talents, and comedy is certainly one of them. I hope that you find peace and happiness in your new home.
Oh wow my friend you had me grinning the entire time :DReplyDelete
Choc Chip Uru
I just can't keep smiling early morning when reading this .... Happy weekend!!ReplyDelete
This one's for you, Gina! Enjoy your weekend! >>^..^<<ReplyDelete
Oh Gina! I can so so relate! We have moved into our share of nightmare homes too. The funny thing is that they seem so great when you first move in! Thank you for sharing with us. I loved seeing those pictures of hot dog man too :-)ReplyDelete
Oh my gosh...what a nightmare! I'm not sure there's enough wine or chocolate to cure what you've been through!! Hope all is calming down a bit now for you...geez!ReplyDelete
I guess I can't pin this picture of 'hot dog dude' sleeping with his head on the bottom of a chair, did you stage him like that?ReplyDelete
Too funny;-) I'm so glad you moved (again) !!!
LOL Gina, 'for real' is good. The first click of sleeping 'hot dog dude' is just too fun! You can't get angry with him sleeping that way...sweet.ReplyDelete
Wow, that sounds like a heck of a place to live. I think I could handle the one bathroom thing more than I could the early morning party-goers. For some reason, as I get older, that really honks me. Thank you for making me laugh and sharing your diary with us.ReplyDelete
Best post ever. I laughed and cried, and hate to think I was doing it at your expense, but you tell the story too well! I say you deserved to eat the whole cake! As for hot dog dude....loved those pics :-)ReplyDelete
Hope you get some time to relax this weekend!
I don't mean to be rude, but this is not what I wanted to hear. Why? I'm in the process of moving myself...ReplyDelete
I don't know what to laugh harder at, the first photo of Hot Dog Dude or your words :D I really admire how you keep your cool and your sense of humor stays intact. Hopefully your new new house will bring you more joy and comfort. Thanks for making us all smile Gina, you're the best:)ReplyDelete
So funny! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but I have to admit laughing won out! So well written - thank you for this.ReplyDelete
113 days from hell!
You are a wonderfully talented writer Gina :)
Wow, I totally sympathize. I moved after 6 months living in a hell hole too. Sometimes it's worth it to cut your losses and run! Also, hubby and I make sure to have 2 bathrooms in ANY place we live. There's always that 1 emergency where you thank the porcelain gods for two bathrooms!ReplyDelete
So glad you are now free and also that cake looks amazing!!
Oh Gina! You wrote so well and I'm in love with your writing. If I share this post on Pinterest, your Hot Dog Dude will be very famous worldwide and you will be receiving a book deal! So well written! I laughed and felt bad at the same time and thank you for sharing your personal story with us. I hope we can just laugh about your experience now and that you are enjoying your new home. Who knew moving can be so bad!ReplyDelete
Nami, First of all, lol. Feel free to Pin Hot Dog Dude, I think he'd love the attention.ReplyDelete
Patty, I wish I could have staged that, lol.
What a summer! Maybe I won't downsize in later years (not that my home is huge). Maybe - just stay put where the "unknowns" are too painfully known! The photo of Hot Dog Dude - oh my! Loving it! And love taking humor to ease the tension of some really hard times.ReplyDelete
Awww, Gina you always crack me up. I can feel the progression in your diary and I can only imagine the horror of waiting for the bathroom when there are 3 girls in the house. I'm happy it worked out even though it was lots of moving and stress. The glimmering bunt cake looks like it could cure anything.ReplyDelete
Hope you have a good weekend and let's schedule lunch in about 2 weeks!