Let me just start this post off with a disclaimer: This post contains humor, maybe even at your expense, questionable language (and grammar), is the sole opinion of the Queen and well if it’s yours too I will keep it to myself (unless I know your secrets and am hoping to make a dime off you, then all bets are off). Besides disclaimers make the internet a warmer and fuzzier place.
The internet has been rubbing me wrong these days. Trend after disturbing trend filters it’s way around and I’m not gonna lie a tirade was mounting (not like me riding bareback on the neighbors cat who has been shitting in my yard kind of mounting, you sickos). All it took was reading the word “authentic” one more time.
The Queen’s list of disturbing blog trends (or a long drawn-out tirade, your call):
1: Blogging conferences, where all your blogging dreams will come true....
The sales pitch: You will learn how to make scads of money and become a mucho snacktastic high profile blogger? Pay us a low, low fee (not including airfare, hotel, meals, outfits that are way cute, cards that are way, way cute, and other travel expenses) but who’s counting because it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity and we will unlock all the secrets that have been stored in the underground bunkers for years.
The real deal: You pay gobs of money to sit in on a gathering of high ranking bloggers (or at least the ones the promoters could afford). At this conference you will be given detailed blueprints for the highest powered nukes (or access to all the advertisers you can handle) so that you can achieve your lifetime goal of complete global blogging domination (one caveat, the government is already on to you and besides I’ve been down there and the only thing there is empty skittles wrappers and all the garage sale items that never sold). You will make lifetime friends and tons of contacts (or at least until they realize you have no real way to help them with their evil plans and then they will have no more use for you). Don’t let that stop you though because you are going to hear in great detail (or dazed and confused) how these panelist themselves became internet super stars and how much and how exactly they make their money.
What’s next anyways, tattoo booths at the conferences where you can get a free tat of your sponsors?
2: I’m Authentic (winkedy, wink, wink)!
Everyone these days seems to be so much more “authentic” than in the olden days. I read silly things all the time like, "I’m promoting this lipstick because I really, really, really (did I forget to mention really?) love it, I’m not getting paid one dime." I’m guessing if that same lipstick company came a knocking with a major endorsement deal that you'd turn them down. Seeing that you are so altruistic and all.
Personally Covergirl, Pantene I'm available and I have soft silky lips and long, shiny, and manageable hair.
3: A whole lotta whining going on!
favorite unfavorite of mine. Bloggers as a collective love to whine and complain. There was a movement not too long ago that was scaring me a tad, I was sure when it was over they were going to ask for a DNA sample and for all of us to join the union. Luckily that's simmered down, but the flavor of the day seems to be to whine about the sins other bloggers are committing. May even start off something like this, I realize I give away my work for free, but (always have to wait for the but) all you tea-bags who knock off my work, steal and don’t give me credit really makes me sad. So sad in fact I’m going to write a 10,000 word whine fest on it and “I’m going to tell my mommy!” If my kid was to tell me such a thing, I’d tell them, “Suck it up, quit your whining and show them how it's done!”
4: I’m no longer a blogger; I’m a “Brand”!
Yep, I’ve graduated from the dregs you all refer to as blogging. I’ve invested the big bucks to become a “brand”, so duh; of course this means I’ll make the big bucks. Especially now that I’ve got sponsored posts (for items I really don’t use) lined up around the block. I’m not hurting anyone and I never really needed all those $$$ I threw at web designers, advertising, hosting my own site, logos, high-end photography studio and freelancers, besides my kid doesn’t need college anyways.
I hate to be the bearer of this bad news but you can spend a ton of cash and still not be raking in the big bucks, especially if what you have to do to make that money clashes with what you think is right for you. Even if you didn’t spend the big bucks, it’s not unheard of that people spend every waking minute trying to achieve their goal of complete world blog domination.
I kind of think my kid does need that education, so if you have extra money laying around burning a hole in your pocket I’d be happy to add my PayPal button to this post for you. As soon as I hear back from the casino and porn people I pitched about adding their links, whoops I mean sponsoring me, I’ll add those too.
5: Making sure your readers know that your blog is just your way of keeping yourself company and having a few friends and that you are affronted by the mention of money.
This is my best mom advice; real people are found out there in the wild, they like fresh air, sunshine and to occasionally have lunch with you. They are totally awesome too, because they know when to bring the Vodka.
I’m not gonna front, I personally am only using this blog to raise enough funds to buy a small island, conquer the indigenous people, enslave them to work in my cookie mines while wearing gasp, polo shirts.
Don't worry though, I'm a lenient Queen and I'll make sure the workers get cake breaks.
6: Doing what other bloggers are doing down to copying their site designs, posting formats, and photos.
I’m not sure if I find this trend more disturbing because I think the person who does this is unoriginal or that I’m worried about what else this person might be capable of. Do they have a mask fashioned from dead skin of the person they are copying hidden in the closet along with a pair of undies stolen from said victim? Putting these items on and parading around in them while typing away on the computer. P.S.A here, there is treatment available, please seek it before it’s too late.
7: Hi!!! I liked you on Facebook, Hi!!! I’ve liked you on Twitter, Hi!!! I’ve liked you on 20 other sites!!! Hi!!! I hope you noticed me and how busy I’ve been liking you. Oh silly ditzy me, did I also mention I have a book coming out and wouldn’t it be wonderful if you could like me and help me promote it, then I’ll never bother you again.
I have an auto-response on the ready for such requests:
Oh Hi, I’m sorry I failed to notice your numerous attempts for my attention. I was so engrossed in a program on the mating cycle of fleas I lost all track of time.
Feel free to leave a message at the “BLEEP”!
Where has all the romance gone? How about a few flowers or chocolates before asking me to get it on?
8: Overly obvious tutorials; such as “How-to peel a carrot”!
What’s next a how-to wipe your ass tutorial. I for one would like to know how do you choose whose ass to use? I mean for instance do you use your own? Or would that be too personal and possibly too lumpy? Do you put out an ad asking for an ass model? Do they even have ass models? Would it be more effective to go with a male ass or a female ass, or perhaps just go with a goat for demonstration purposes? How would one hold the camera while juggling everything else? I hope you know the debate that went on in my head about these questions (for hours and hours) was mentally exhausting.
I can only imagine how wrung out the poor things were that wrote the carrot posts.
9: The Ad Circus is coming to town!
As much as I enjoyed the non-stop parade of ads blaring while watching the Superbowl, I was lucky enough to be able to head to the kitchen for snacks when they came on. One way bloggers make money blogging is running ads, and some love running them in epic proportions. Sometimes when I'm on a site that has an ad circus running, I get so distracted I can't even remember why I'm there and if I get up to go fetch snacks to calm my mind, it kind of messes up my work groove.
I know we all like and need money and would like to be paid for our work. I for one was devastated when I found out Santa wasn't real (sorry kids, cover your eyes). For me the benefits haven't outweighed the costs of running an ad circus yet, but I am considered creating my own high-end baby line including teethers in flavors such as Bourbon Buttercream and Iced Mocha Latte, because hello that's where all the money is at. Haven't you people been in a baby store lately? Let's just leave it at this, you might as well leave your wallet at the door because your gonna leave all your money there. As soon as I get all the lead kinks worked out, I'll be sure and put a link up for you.
10: My book is coming out soon!
Well what do you know, mine is too! I've been working so hard on it and I can't wait for all of you to get your hands on it. I saved a ton by self-publishing, using low-grade illustrations, and cheap paper. It will be available on my blog only for the low, low price of $9.95. Just to sweeten the deal I'm throwing in a dozen ponies with each order.
Feel free to add to this list of disturbing trends so together we can come up with ideas to stop the spread of s.t.d.’s.
Hopefully I’ll be back to posting about food soon, but one never can be quite sure what will happen around here.